Welcome to PasoMarlon
This website is a hodge podge of Tales From The Pine, Short Stories, images of
wine barrels I've painted, and other paintings I've done. I can be reached at
marlon61rnr via google mail. I write it this way here
to reduce the likelihood of getting spam. #PasoRobles
All Tales From The Pine are about a purely fictional dive bar and any relationship to any actual people, places or things
is completely coincidental. All Short Stories are fictional, too.
As is my
book on amazon.
I have been fortunate to paint a few wine barrels that are on display in the downtown area.
I've done a couple barrels for friends, too.
New content on Sunday!
This is the first barrel I painted. It's in front of Fish Gaucho.
October 12th, 2025
Random question... How many times have you been to
a Disney property (Disneyland, etc)? For me, I'm not sure. As an adult probably round 8 times, but
I went as a kid too, way back when Mickey had a goatee and Minnie had knee high black boots, but I'm not sure
how many times from that era. Still, then and now it's the happiest place on earth. There's a vibe
at all the Diseny properties I'v been to that makes hanging out there so much fun.
October 5th, 2025
Can you believe we are in October? Anyway, here's today's nonsense. Over the years our flying experience
has changed. Back when commercial flights first began, hunters could carry their rifles onto the plane.
Woodworkers could bring their toolboxes with them. For safety reasons, things are much more restricted now.
Somewhere between back then and now I was on a flight from San Jose to Vegas. I was really excited about
going to super-cool Vegas. I happened to sit next to Gallagher, the comedian. Nice guy, easy to talk to ...
right up until the stewardess delivered our in-flight meal. I don't know where he got it, but suddenly he had
a giant hammer. He went to work. He did his thing. By the time we landed, everyone, including the captain,
was covered in mashed potatoes and gravy stains. Yuck! I tell ya, going to Vega .... it was the best of flights,
dealing with his madness ... it was the worst of flights.
Septmeber 28th, 2025
I went to a local fundraiser last night. They auctioned some interesting items, including a romantic pig hunt
for two. That sounded fun. I tried to get friendly with the wining bidder so maybe she'd take me hunting with her,
but when she asked me what's my favorite part of the pig I said the wings. She didn't get it ... and
neither did I.
September 21st, 2025
Time for a bit of art...Yesterday I finished this
living room mural. I like it. I think it looks better in person than in these photos, but here are some snaps of it. BTW,
I don't know why, but sometimes art looks better in person and sometimes a photo of the art looks better. I'm
talking about my art and photos of it. There have been times where I take a photo of my art and I think "Wow,
that picture of the art looks much better than the actual work." Strange, right ? I haven't figured out why this
happens, but for this mural the real deal looks better than these photos. Trust me (the two most dangerous words
in the english vocabulary. lol)
Septerber 14th, 2025
Tales From The Pine: Episode 27 - Maybe this should be episode 86
At the beginning of the month I decided to go NA (non-alcoholic) for at least the first 11 days. I haven't done that since
I was twelve(haha, not really). I still wanted The Pine experience. The Pine has a plethora of over-21 options
and a few general public offerings. Its hours fluctuate, but they typically go from Perry Mason, aka noon, until
Letterman says good night (12:30), with a shift change around Wheel Of Fortune time. If I'm there I'm usually gone
before Vanna turns a letter. I walked in yesterday afternoon and asked, shockingly, for Bud Zero. The bartender
laughed and asked if I'd been listening to Milli Vanilli. I said "Girl, you know it's true". I thought that was
an awesome reply but she didn't appreciate it so she kicked me out. I got 86ed! Ouch.
September 7th, 2025
Tales From The Pine: Episode 26 - On The Run
One of the things I like about The Pine is that it's walking distance from my place. After staring at a
computer screen all day it's nice to get some fresh air and feel some sunshine on my way there. Last Taco Tuesday
was engorged with also being National Taco Day. Super Taco Tuesday, if you will. I had my dinner before heading to
The Pine, but I couldn't help noticing a taco truck while on my walk. For whatever reason, the truck had this baby
in just a diaper as a decal. Now ... to me that baby looks like he is "concentrating". It's not an image that
beckons me to the truck and their offerings. When I got to The Pines I forgot about the baby because the classic
Dracula was on the TV. Beer and Drac are a fun combination, but as I found out, can lead to strange dreams.
It was night and I found myself strolling past the taco truck when suddenly there was a very strange cry. Part baby,
part beastly growl. I turned towards the sound and saw the diaper-clad baby standing beside the truck, his mouth
wide open and his fangs clearly looking for flesh. Baby vampire! Of course I took off running and he, all diaper
and fangs and chubby legs furiously churning, came after me. Even in my dream I felt confident I could out run a
baby. He's a baby, right. But as he got closer to me I realized he had vampire speed. Oh crap! As I'm starting to
panic I pick up my pace, pumping my arms faster. I suddenly find a taco in my hand. It's not just any taco. It
smells wonderful. It looks delicious. I have to try it. I look back and see the b.v. is a few yards behind me.
I've got time. I keep running but I slow down a bit to take a bite. It was better than it smelled, better than it
looked. The carne asada was a perfect combo of crispy and moist, the cheddar was sharp, the guacamole (with red
onions and lime juice) was so fresh. By the time I took a second bite I had stopped running. I was standing there,
completely captivated by this miraculous taco. Fortunately, as he approached, the baby vampire let out another cry.
That broke my taco-focus and somehow made me realize the little imp now charging at me must use tacos to lure
potential victims into his hungry grasp. I somehow knew all I had to do was let go of the taco and I would be safe.
Just let go of the taco and I'd stay alive and remain human. It's just a taco, but it was so awesomely good, so
enthralling, I didn't even feel the two pin pricks to the back of my left calf when they first happened.
The taco so overwhelmed me it wasn't until I started to faint that I looked down and saw the "ankle biter" attached
to my leg. I thought "Oh, well. That's that." and finished my taco in bliss. Now I sleep during the day and hunt
for more tacos at night. So I guess the lesson is one really awesome taco can change your life.
August 31st, 2025
When I was a kid, running around in my little league uniform, I really
didn't realize how loved I was. Mom and Dad, along with Grandparents, aunts and uncles were there to watch
me swing a bat and catch a ball. All good. When, on a Saturday morning, Mom fixed biscuits and gravy for
breakfast, then I knew I was very much loved. So good. Once in a while, for reasons I never understood,
our dinner would include ... steamed cauliflower. Did she still love me? Mom? Today I went to lunch at
a place that offered carnitas tacos (oh yeah) and cauliflower tacos (What?) If I had a therapist she'd
probably say go with the carnitas and a margarita, (she would be a hip therapist) but I needed to embrace
the past so I got the cauliflower tacos and (thanks to the behind the counter therapist) a gin sazerac.
Good, and good. The tacos were surprisingly good and the sazerac gin reminded me of a little league time
when I closed my eyes and somehow caught a pop fly out in right field. Woohoo! The taco thing today I think
was a cauliflower closure! I don't love cauliflower, but now I no longer have flashbacks of sitting at
the dinner table, hoping an alien invasion would rescue me from the vile albino vegetable on my plate.
Sometimes it's good to let go of yesterday and take a chance on today.
August 24th, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode Twenty Five- I'm With William
You know that episode of Twilight Zone where William Shatner is the only one who sees the gremlin on the
plane's wing? He has to save his fellow passengers by any means necessary, including firing a gun. He is
a hero! Today at The Pine a gremlin flew in in the form of a bachelor party of twenty five mustachioed guys.
Because I was listening to Cinderella's Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone, I initially missed
this gremlin. The bartender, who fortunately looks nothing like William, not only saw the gremlin but took
care of the gremlin via non-lethal shots. She's a hero. In TZ, the gremlin simply flies off after a bit of
wing/engine destruction. At The Pine, the gremlin hung out for a while but then flew off after a bunch of
pool table miscues while at the same time playing Tennessee Whiskey six times in a row! As much as I like
The Pine, by the third repeat of TW I was ready to board a plane with William and take my chances up there.
August 17th, 2025
This past week I got a jury duty summons. Like a good minion I called the
duty line on Sunday evening. My future girlfriend said to call back between 11:30am and noon on Monday.
On Monday Perry Mason ended at 11:57. For truth, justice and the American way, at 11:58 I called my
future girlfriend again. She said to show up at the San Luis Obispo superior court at 1:00pm that day.
She can be demanding that way. That's okay. On my drive along 101 south I had two prevailing thoughts.
What toga will she be wearing and why is north bound 101 in SLO so backed up? I try to balance fantasy and
reality. When I get to the court waiting room a man of the court steps up to the podium and informs
me and my prospective jury buddies that there is good news and bad news for us. He tells up we aren't needed
because the lawyers struck a deal and we have fulfilled our obligation for the next 12 months. Big picture,
there's nothing bad there, but it means I won't get to see Lady Justice in her toga. Dang it. Since 101 north
is so backed up I opt for going on highway 1 from SLO to Morro Bay, over to A-town on the 41, then Paso on
the 101. It's an easy drive and part of it is along the coast. I like seeing the three stacks and Morro rock.
Since I was in no hurry to get home I went and parked near the rock. It's a lovely day, with mild temps
and clear skies. I could see surfers rolling with the waves. A fishing boat is just beyond the waves.
I was enjoying the sights, but my mind was still sort of on Lady Justice. That's when I suddenly saw a very
svelte dolphin, wearing a flowing white gown, jump out of the nearest wave, give me a wink and a wave with
her gavel, then dive back down, heading towards the SLO courtroom. She must have been on a late lunch break
and decided to come show appreciation for my good citizenship effort. As she swam back to court I quickly yelled
"Nice toga!". She must have heard me because she gave me a tail fin wave before completely disappearing
under water. Now that's my kind of justice!
August 10th, 2025
A snapshot of the funky fish and friends just schooling in the front yard.
August 3rd, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode Twenty Four - Taco Tuesday
Many food places, both here and on Saturn, use the rings of Tuesday to promote their taco offerings.
Whether you go corn, flour, or Saturnian tortillas, the filling choices are exceptional. Meat, cheese,
and liquid hydrogen are understandably popular fillings at the food carts and space diners. Taco Tuesday
is part of what makes our solar system popular among the locals and the beyond-Pluto crowd. All of that's
good commerce. What's also good is the really local version of Taco Tuesday. I didn't know this until recently,
but some people around here name their dogs Taco. Not just so they can yell "Taco, come here!" which I totally
love, but also so they can sing and eat on Taco Karaoke Tuesday at The Pine. The Taco Karaoke guy comes in
around nine, with some songs and a cast-iron tortilla press. About the same time, the Tacos and their two-legged
singing partners show up. By about nine fifteen someone gets T.K.T. started by singing Bark At The Moon
and the first batch of tortillas are grilled and ready. It's a good combo of tacos and singing for The Pine
folks. If they are lucky, the T.K.T crowd on Saturn will have something so nice, too.
July 27th, 2025
We typically have a little bit of rush hour traffic here in town, usually
from around 3:30 to 5:30. Even so, it's not bad. Because of road work, it's slower this week. As I'm walking
home I notice two local police cars in the slow traffic coming towards me. Part of my mission is to keep my town
friendly so I always wave to our peace officers. The guy in the first car had the standard issued beard and
forward stare. No wave from him. The second car had a female officer. I think she was Angie Dickinson's daughter
because when I waved to her she gave me an Angie-smile and when I put my wrists together in front of me she
laughed and hit the siren for a second. I got excited, but then traffic moved on and so did she so unfortunately I had
no chance to be interrogated by her. Life is like that sometimes...
July 20th, 2025
I recently took my Mom to a doctor's appointment. When we walked in there
were three ladies behind the counter. The one who was helping us asked her coworker to grab a couple forms
for Mom to fill out. She gets the forms from her coworker, looks at them, shakes her head and hands them back
to her coworker saying "These forms are in Spanish". Without really thinking, I blurt out "Aye caramba!"
All three ladies laughed. I am a spreader of joy and humor in multiple languages!!
July 13th, 2025
I have no game and I'm okay with that, but sometimes it's fun to watch
someone try to have game. I'm second in line at my local convenience store. The guy in front of me
steps up to the counter empty handed. No big deal. I figure the guy is purchasing something from
behind the counter, but after a brief exchange with the young lady working, he sulks out the door.
I step up with my Snickers bar and give her a $5. She gives me my change and says
"Can you believe that guy? He comes in here and asks me what time I get off." She continues
"I want a man with a mansion and a yacht and '64 Corvette, clean inside and out, with leather
seats and a pearl white paint job." I'm thinking it's good to know what you want, but for fun I say to
her "Maybe he has all those things, he just forgot to take a shower and put on a shirt before he came here."
Not surprizingly, she looks at me as if I'm shirtless, too. No game.
July 6th, 2025
I'm watching this Scottish detective series on Prime. There is no gun play,
no car chases, no gory body parts. They speak funny English and go to the local pub a lot. In one pub scene
a local says "There's a fly in me haggis." It may be a cosmic coincidence that just as the fly complaint was
expressed by this bloke I was sipping my chardonnay and I noticed an ant back stroking across the wine glass
surface. Despite his protest, my tartan-wearing friend kept going on his haggis. I was so inspired by his
fortitude that I continued with my consumption of said vino.
If he can do a haggis/fly combo I can do a chardonnay/ant combo. Live and learn, people.
June 29th, 2025
Can you believe Jaws is 50 years old? That means for 50 years
there's been a shark, a great white, with a napkin around its neck, a fork in one fin and
a knife in the other, just waiting for my tasty flesh to wander out into the surf. Sorry, dude.
Not happening. Ankle deep is as far as I go. I'm sure over these 50 years my fleshy parts have lost some of their
appeal, but I'm still not going out there. I'm nobody's buffet!
June 22nd, 2025
Is this irony? I think it is. Today I did my Consumers Report
spring survey. They asked me questions about my car, my appliances, and my favorite color (Hunter
Green, btw). I sang the praise of my appliances, including my dishwasher. The dishwasher I inherited
when I bought my house was useless so the fact that my new dishwasher does an excellent job is
very satisfying. I even thought about using it as a prop. Something like "Hey babe, my dishes
are so clean I put then away before I need to use them." Who knows what will work. Anyway, I give
my dishwasher high marks across the survey board. And then I walk into my kitchen. I see the Done
light is on so because Bo (she lives just a couple hours away) could come by anytime I start to
empty my GE. I get part way through putting things away when the door bell rings. I'm so surprised
I go to the door holding a plate. Guess who it is? She smiles...until she sees the plate in my
hand. It's got a splotch! Not a big one, but apparently enough to cause Bo to turnaround.
She gets on her horse and heads back to her ranch. I look at my plate and think "Irony. Ouch!"
So now, instead of talking Tarzan with Bo, I'm hand washing the plate while I watch Alfred
Hitchcock Presents.
June 15th, 2025
Happy Father's Day to all the good fathers out there.
The Happiest Mockingbird: Life is good. I'm in good health. I have good family and friends.
Good neighbors. Our road recently got repaved and the weather has been good. Alan Jackson sings
"Too much of a good thing is a good thing." and I mostly agree with him. The only exception for
me is the happiest mockingbird in the world. It's not that it's happy. I say chirp it up, buddy.
Sing your song...just don't do it at 4:30 in the morning right outside my bedroom. Even roosters
aren't up that early. This bird is so happy it tries to sing the sun and me up before dawn. It has
an impressive array of sounds and can really mix them up. Sometimes it even sounds a bit like it's
singing Beck's "I got two turntables and a microphone" (aka Where It's At). That's a good song.
I don't want to dampen its enthusiasm. I just want it to take its singing down the road. Maybe
one of those plastic owls in the tree will shoo it away or I could book it at the The Sphere in
Vegas. At only $150 a ticket me (the manager) and Ziggy, The Happiest Mockingbird in the World,
would be doing alright. Yea, I think that would work for both of us.
June 8th, 2025
Last night on my way home I stopped at the 7 to get me a 6. I decided to tack on
a 10 quick pick, seeing how the drawing was up to 12 million. When I paid I joked with the young lady behind
the counter. I said "If I win, I'll take dance lessons." She shot back "That jackpot isn't big enough." I laughed
all the way to my car and then I nearly hit my head as I tripped into my driver's seat.
June 1st, 2025
I love a good story, whether it's true or not, including fictional history.
Today I was at my local health bar, drinking some wheat grass iced tea and enjoying brussel sprout kabobs
when a salty seafaring gentleman started talking to me. He pointed to this bottle nearly hidden in the darkest
corner of the bar and asked me if I knew of it. I told him I could barely see the bottle let alone read the label.
The health bartender heard our conversation so she grabbed the bottle then set it on the bar. My nautical
friend gave the bottle's neck a serious push. I expected the bottle to fall over on to its side, but it
just leaned back then righted itself like those old vinyl inflatable clown punching bags we used to disrepect.
Knock it over and it pops back up. I was impressed. I said "How is that possible? How did that thing bounce back?"
The crusty seaman replied "This bottle was designed for the Titanic. It was made to handle the rolling and swaying
of the Atlantic. It wobbles, but comes back up." Now I have no idea if this is true, but I love the idea of it
being designed to make that long voyage in style. I hope it's true. Maybe Clive Cussler can write an adventure
story about it.
May 25th, 2025
At the intersection One of the things I like about my town is the strong ranch and farm
communities. Our local event center has multiple equestrian, cattle, and agricultural events throughout
the year. Because of this, it's not uncommon to see various livestock being transported around town. With it
being a nice day today, lots of people had their car windows down and their music up. Traffic at one
intersection included a full size pickup with a four horse trailer, along with a few sedans and minivans.
One minivan had driver and passenger windows down and was sharing some classic rock. I immediately recognized
the song as "I was made for lovin you" by KISS (the hottest band in the land). I was humming along, enjoying the
moment, when I heard some commotion from the horse trailer. Then I couldn't believe what happened next. I hear
"neigh-neigh-neigh-nah-neigh-nah-neigh-neigh" coming from inside the trailer. That's right. A horse, probably a
stallion, was singing along to KISS. Go, man, go! I couldn't tell if the horse had any face makeup on, but I
wouldn't be surprised if it had a star around one of its eyes. I tell ya, it's good to know rock and roll is
alive and kicking here in cowboy country.
May 18th, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode Twenty Three - The Real Pine "Tales from The Pine" is about
a fictional dive bar called The Pine. Truth be told, the tales are often inspired by people and events
at a real place called Pine Street Saloon. I've met a lot of good people there. Caring, generous, intelligent,
and funny people. Ron, the owner, was all of those things and more. Unfortunately, he recently passed away.
He was loved by so many people. He will be greatly missed by many of us. That's the real pine story.
May 11th, 2025
Earlier this week it was my birthday. I was feeling pretty good about myself,
thinking I looked and felt reasonably healthy for my age. Then, out of nowhere, a pterodactyl, as it
swooped past me, yelled "Happy birthday, old man!". If a pterodactyl calls you old...does that make
it true? I don't know. Either way, that was one mean bird!
May the fourth be with you! (May 4th,2025)
Last night I watched an episode of Mission Impossible, then I
went to sleep. I dreamed of a plane making an emergency landing just outside my house. Kind of impossible,
but it's a dream. Then the people started using the emergency slides to get off the plane. They slid down
the yellow slide...and started coming towards my front door. OMG, they wanted to stay with me...all of
them...in my house. It was so scary I woke up with my landing gear retracted. Tonight I'm watching
Godfather and hoping for just a horse kind of thing.
April 27th, 2025
Some current favorites:
- Favorite song, overall:
Drive
by Joe Bonamassa. Love the moody, blues sound.
- Favorite funky song:
Always on the Run
by Lenny Kravitz. So funky!
- Favorite reggae song:
Unforgiven
by Alborosie. A great cover of Metallica's
Unforgiven.
- Favorite humorous song:
Trashy Women
by Confederate Railroad.
There's so much awesome music out there, but that's enough for now. Sorry for any ads that may
appear before the song begins...
In case you missed this news from the first day of April...
April 20th, 2025
Happy Easter to one and all.
April 13th, 2025
Tesla Tales. To me, there's no justification for messing with someone
else's ride, even Teslas. With all the Telsa vandalism in the news recently I've been more away of
these electric vehicles. I'm glad I haven't seen any acts of vandalism but I have read a couple bumper
stickers on Teslas that I thought were humorous. One was "I bought this before he went crazy". Funny.
The other was "I'm saving money on fuel so I can buy more guns." I like that one even more. Go Tesla
.
April 6th, 2025
Some non-political nonsense... On my walk early this morning I saw a
brown, glazed dog so small it could fit through a regulat size donut hole. I so like old fashion donuts
and tiny dogs! The owner of the little pooch said its name was Churro. I love that name! I think with a name like
that it could be our next President. I'll definitely vote for the "Churro/old fashion" ticket in 2028!
March 30th, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode Twenty Two - Roxanne
I'm sure you are thinking it's about time you told us about Roxanne. We will get there, but first let me
talk about life. I'm a fan of good. I'm a fan of positive encouragement. I want people to be healthy and happy
... by their own definition. At The Pine there is a jukebox that has all kinds of music. No one has ever played
Barney's theme song, but there are a lot of good songs, including Pharrell's Happy. Today someone picked a
classic song that is full of encouragement. Yes, I'm talking about Roxanne, by The Police. It wasn't just
The Police. Everyone in the place, including the hard boiled pool players, told Roxanne she doesn't have to put
on the red light. Don't do it, Roxanne. You can get your web design degree. There's a lot of crazy, negative
stuff flying around the northern hemisphere right now, so hearing some people sending positive vibes to a
fellow human being makes for a better day. Let's keep that going!
March 23rd, 2025
Spend more time with people who care about you and appreciate you.
March 16th, 2025
The Paso Robles Main Street Downtown Association has just
published their new Downtown Wine Barrel brochure. It features the wine barrel works of many local artists,
including the four barrels I painted for the project. Take a walk downtown and check out the barrels while
exploring the area.
March 9th, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode Twenty One -Truck Love.
Tales from The Pine (the totally imaginary place I go) isn't always about The Pine. Once in a while
it's about my journey there or back. I'm a Lainey Wilson fan and this tale kind of fits in with her
Four By Four By You love song. Recently one of the bartenders told me that she saw me walking to The
Pine. She said as she drove by me in her 4x4 truck she had the urge to swerve up onto the sidewalk
and run me over. Isn't that the definition of love? Isn't that exactly what Lainey Wilson sings about?
I told her I hope to be struck by lightning rather than run over. She said she just ordered a taser
from Amazon. Things could work out.
March 2nd, 2025
I've lived in my house about nine years. When I first moved in
the garage door was a plane, boring white thing. I decided to give it some character and color.
I gave it a surf theme, with the center image being a surfer riding a gigantic wave and skeleton
surfers on the ends. After a couple years...and watching The Mandarlorian on Disney...I updated the
center panel with a Star Wars theme. More recently, after a trip to Japan, I decided to change the
center panel again. The surfer skeletons are still the book ends, but now the center has some
images that remind me of the fun times in Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto. The third image, the fisherman,
is based on something I found online. It has a very tranquil feel to it, which was a big part of
my experience in Japan.
February 23rd, 2025
Worst Goodbye Ever
Normally, I stop by the Pony on Friday for my two beers. I've been doing this for years so the
folks who work there know me. This week I stopped by on Thursday because on Friday I'm going to my
daughter's to finish remodeling her bathroom. The Pony bar manager asks why am I there a day early
and I explain. Tomorrow I'm going to finish my daughter's bathroom. It gets a little busy so the
manager and I don't talk much more. I finish my second beer and as I'm leaving, the bar manager says
rather loudly to me "Good luck in the bathroom!" Not the goodbye I was looking for. Suddenly all the
clientele are looking at me. What are they thinking about me? I stop and with all Pony eyes on me I
have to say something, but what? At one of the tables there's a single lady having a charcuterie plate.
She's paused a bite of Gouda to look at me with concern. Others are wondering, too. They are all
strangers but I feel compelled to respond to the worst goodbye ever so I say "My plumbing is fine!" and
walk out in a very dignified manner.
February 16th, 2025
When I was a kid my bed time was oftern tied to a TV program.
I clearly remember when Bonanza came on I was sent to my room. Once in a while I'd sneak out to
the hallway and watch the beginning of it, with the land map burning and the shots of Big Hoss and
Little Joe. I'd always get caught, probably my older brother, who got to stay up later than me, would
let my parents know about my sneakiness. Well, today was the Western Bonanza event at the local
fairgrounds so I had to go. As I'm walking around, no one told me to go to my room. Even better,
there was a lady who looked like Marie Cartwright working the pop up saloon. As she handed me a beer
she said I reminded her of Ben. Oh yea! That was nice of her. It seemed like a stretch to me,
but I didn't argue with her. With her help, I feel like my Bonanza issue is finally resolved. Now I'm
hoping to find a Julie McCoy look-alike to help me work on my Love Boat issue.
February 9th, 2025
What's the strangest question you've been asked recently? Last Friday
I was having a beer at The Pony Club. I go there after my volunteer shift at the local library. While
enjoying my Stella a married couple started talking to me about Paso, the weather, wineries and such. Out
of nowhere, the guy asks me if Paso is a good place to be single. I noticed his wife was in the bathroom
when he asked. Hmmm. Coincidence ? Luckily for me, the bartender interrupted us before I could come up with an
answer. What the heck was his motivation for that question at that time? I'll never know but it was good
to have a different kind of question.
February 2nd, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode 20: Moby Dick
The opening line in Herman Melville's classic is "Call me Ismael". Of course the story, as told by Ismael,
is about catching the White Whale. It's an amazing story and a powerful movie. I can't, and don't want to,
compete with that story, but on my walk home from The Pine I came sort of close to it in my own small way.
When I walk home from The Pine I often times wave to people driving their four-wheeled vessel with intention,
not unlike the Pequod crew waving to seagulls that fly away from them. Some wave back to me, some don't.
It's all good. Captain Ahab knew the White Whale was his target from the beginning. I didn't know my target
until I saw it. As I'm walking I'm waving to cars and trucks sailing down the road, when around the bend comes
my White Whale, a full scale egg-shell white city bus. It beckons me. I have heard of it, someone told me
one existed, but I've never seen it. It was huge and as it approaches me, from its fluke it lets out a blast
of air. In my surprise I somehow shout "Thar she blows" as it approaches and, more importantly, in my "be cool"
attitude I throw, not a harpoon, a double hang loose salute to the White Whale driver. She keeps one hand on
the oversized steering wheel, as she should, but gives me a smile and what I think was a you're-not-crazy wave.
Captain Ahab was an over-the-top crazy dude ... and that makes a good story. Me? I just a guy hoping to get a ride
on the White Whale bus someday.
January 26th, 2025
On hiatus (I know that sounds painful, but it's not). Back on Feb 2nd.
January 19th, 2025
As I'm walking into Wayside, my local go-to emporium, to get
my emporirarium (that's a word) some guy I've never seen before walks out and says to me
"My sister drained my bank account again!" I thought about replying "I know" but not everyone
appreciates my humor, plus it wasn't that much money anyway.
January 12th, 2025
Tales from The Pine: Episode 19-Worlds Colliding
There's that episode of Seinfeld where George talks about his two wolds. One is with Jerry and Elaine.
The other is with his fiancee. George doesn't want these two worlds to collide. He wants to keep them
separate. He wants his Jerry world and he wants his fiancee world. He doesn't want them to mix. I kind of
have my two worlds. One is my art world. I go to local galleries, talk art, maybe sip some wine. Stroll
around the wonderful works on the wall. My other world is The Pine. Talk about football, have shots of tequila,
look at the beer signs on the walls. From my perspective nothing keeps these two worlds apart. It just happens
they are separate ... until today. I was at The Pine world, having a taste and listening to some classic
Tanya Tucker, when one of the Pine employees picked up and showed me a bag from the Lost and Found.
She said "It's a rock!" The Saturday afternoon Lost and Found at The Pine often has interesting modern day
trinkets; phones, keys, wallets, purses, a red high heeled shoe (usually just one, always red) ... but a lost
rock at The Pine is unusual. She unwraps the rock and shows it to me. I know this rock! Not by name, but by
shape and aura. Yes, aura. One of my favorite local artists offers these rocks for their positive properties.
This rock has made its way from the artist's gallery to The Pine. Worlds are colliding. When I left The Pine
tonight everyone was having a good time. Even some of the "mean" (I say that in a joking way) people were
being nice, being positive. So George may not want his two worlds to collide, but I'm good with some of my
art world making its way into my Pine world.
January 5th, 2025
I keep getting these "Single women ready to settle" ads in my fb feed.
Ready to settle? That's a little offensive, yet tempting.
December 29th, 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 18: I learn things
The Pine attracts cowboys, cowgirls, ranchers, farmers, out-of-towners, and a nerdy few. Someone once
walked in and asked for an eight-zero-five beer. Another time someone asked for a glass of Sauvignon
Blanc. It's a dive bar, people! There's always fun to be had at The Pine and those outliers add to it.
There are bachlorette parties, divorce celebrations, birthdays and more. People come in ready to celebrate
and talk. They say things that in my sheltered life I've not heard before. I like learning new things. Today
I learned of an excuse to get out of an unpleasant situation. I probably need to get some cowboy boots to
make it more legitimate, but I really want to use this phrase at some point in my life. The phrase is
"Sorry, I have to leave because I left my pony in the trailer." Oh man, if I can use that phrase at some
point in my life I will feel like I've gone beyond my simple existence.
December 22nd, 2024 update
I went to my quiet place tonight.
Besides the bartender and bar back, there was a married couple and a lady. The
lady was having a glass of red and the couple were having a bumped up version of eggnog.
They sipped and talked about the decline of California. I listened from across the bar.
Half way through their drinks the lady says "Hey you over there, why don't you join us?"
I did. Eventually we talked about where we were from. The guy said he was from Arugula. I
asked if that's near Sproutsville. He said it was closer to Gorgonzola. His wife said he is
always like that. After a bit more conversation, the lady glanced at her watch, then said
she needed to get going. She had a blind date, but she wasn't worried because she was packing.
I asked if she had a ccw. She said "of course". Then she took off before I could ask to see
it or offer to be her escape phone call. Yes, I missed out, but it's good to know there are
still some gun-toting, conservative-leaning women in Cal. That gives me hope.
December 15th, 2024 update
Once A Year On Thanksgiving I am
fortunate to get together with family and have a really good meal. We have
turkey, stuffing, green beans, cranberries, desserts and more. At the table we
give thanks. All of that is so good. There are other times throughout the year
when I will have some turkey, stuffing or most any of our other Thanksgiving
dishes, but once a year, at Thanksgiving, and only that once, we have something
so special, so tasty, so perfectly soft and tenderly browned that I fall in love
all over again. Of course I'm talking about crescent rolls. Did Einstein invent
them? Maybe, before she married, Mrs. Pillsbury came up with them to entice
Mr. P. If so, it worked on him and me, too. Could they be heaven sent? I don't
know, but if they have crescent rolls up there, it must be heaven all the time.
I know people count down to Christmas and that's good, but I'm already counting
down to Crescent Roll day, aka Thanksgiving 2025. Butter up!
December 8th, 2024 update
I recently completed a small project for a local hotel that
was remodeling their lobby. They put up a very nice wallpaper mural, but they couldn't cover the
vent so they asked me to paint the vent to blend in with the wallpaper. I also got inspired to try
a sketched based on a Van Gogh self-portrait. Van Gogh is the most inspirational artist to me.
December 1st, 2024 update
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly
for everyone to hear." -Buddy, the elf.
November 24th, 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 17 - A Chicken Joke
A guy comes into the bar and asks rather loudly "Does anyone know what type of shoes chickens wear?"
It's quiet while we all consider this. It's clear none of us know the answer so we all look to
inquisitor. He puffs his chest out, then firmly announces "Ree-BOK!" Everyone, even the bar cat,
gives a chuckle at that one. Sometimes life is just that simple.
November 17th, 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 16- Saving The Earth
As we all know, sharktopus combines the best parts of a shark with the best parts of an octopus. It's
got the chompy fun of a great white and the eight arm grippiness of a cephalopod. It is an amazing creature
and, I believe, may some day save the earth from fanatical space invaders. Michael Bay, where are you? The
thing is, sharktopus is water based. We probably need a land based combo creature for support. I hadn't
really thought about this need until someone at The Pine started talking about tarantulahogs. I try to
stay up on what's happening in the combo creature world, but I'd not heard of the TaHg. The talker
described a tarantulahog as having 8 hairy legs, a snout with tusks, a rubinesque torso, and a curly tail,
with a full-steam-ahead attitude and the abilities to run fast, leap high, head butt incessantly, and
shoot exploding truffles out its thorax. Hearing this description, I now feel the earth is so much safer.
Tarantulahogs and sharktopie. Land and sea protection. We are set. Everyone sleep safe tonight!
November 10th, 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 15 - The Flying Wallets
If I go to The Pine on the weekend, I go mid-afternoon. It's not yet the madhouse it becomes when the sun goes
down. It's quieter during the day, with it's own kind of charm. A common weekend afternoon charm is when
someone walks in, steps up to the bar and says rather sheepishly "Did anyone turn in a phone last night?"
or "I lost my keys here last night". No need for the person to explain how they lost whatever they lost.
Everyone in the bar knows. Surprisingly, many times what they lost the night before was turned in and they
get their stuff, but not their dignity, back. This past Sunday a guy comes in and asks if his wallet was
turned in. Believe it not, someone at the bar found his wallet and turned it in. Good people are everywhere!
Of course the bartender asked him to describe his wallet and the contents. He did, plus his DL was in the wallet.
After he got his wallet he told us it was the third time he lost that specific wallet. Once at a football game,
Saturday night at The Pine, and my favorite, once on the beach. He said a seagull picked it up, flew out over
the ocean and dropped it in the water. His wallet is out there in the Pacific ocean! Somehow, someway, it floats
back to shore and the guy finds it. What are the odds? Now he could have been making it up to impress the cute
bartender. Guys do that type of stuff once in a while. Regardless, I like his story and it has inspired me to
make up mine own story for some future use. I'll have mundane episodes of getting my sentimentally important
lanyard back, but the third one will be the big ticket. Yes, I was walking the Cayucos pier, contemplating my
life. I stopped to look out at the vastness of the ocean. When my phone rang I went to answer it. In the process
of getting it from my pocket my lanyard fell out. A nearby Canadian Goose, trying to impress a talkative seagull,
grab my lanyard and offered to the gull. The gull said "No thank you" by way of flying off. The goose gave chase,
dropping my lanyard into the murky water below. Since my phone is waterproof and the lanyard is priceless,
I dove in after it. Crazy things happen. As I'm diving in from the pier, I see a shark swim up and swallow my
lanyard. In general, I have nothing against sharks, but that one is asking for trouble! I started my dive
targeting the lanyard, but now I'm heading straight for the shark. Well, I'm on a mission and damn the
consequences. I land right on top of the shark, bending its dorsal fin 90 degrees. My legs and arms instinctively
wrap around its body. I hold my breath and consider how can I get my lanyard and not hurt this shark any further.
Heimlich! Is it bragging to say I may have done the first Heimlich maneuver on a shark? I don't care about that.
After a couple Heimlich squeezes the shark coughed up my lanyard. While it kept swimming in circles, sorry about
bending your dorsal fin buddy, me and my lanyard body-surfed it to dry land. At this point I would show off my
neon orange lanyard and point out the bite marks on it. I'm sure I'd get some 'Ooo's and 'Ahhh's for that yarn.
It's a pretty good made up story that after I get a lanyard I might some weekend afternoon get to tell at The Pine.
November 3rd, 2024 update
I'm going to wander around a bit, but like every
Perry Mason episode, there's going to be a confession near the end. My parents often told me if
something is too good to be true it probably isn't true. That advice has kept me from making
foolish choices ... for the most part. One time in high school I was going to a track meet. As I'm
approaching the stands I hear a chorus of female voices say "Hey Dreamboat". Could they be talking to me?
Of course I turn towards their words with anticipation. I see it's a group of cheerleaders. Yes!
They see me looking at them, then offer a snarky reply of "Not you, shipwreck!" Gut punch. Too good to be true.
High school cheerleaders are the worst, the meanest. These were cheerleaders from my own school. My own
school! Not even the visiting team's cheerleaders. We all know that cheerleaders are crueler than Ms DeVille.
But that's not the confession. Fast forward nearly 50 years and a FB account later. I have fun writing
and posting to FB the nonsense that I do. I appreciate any and all likes and comments that I get. That's
all good, but my favorite kind of comment is when a female stranger (ex-cheerleader?) says I'm funny and
interesting, but for some reason FB won't let her send me a friend request so can I please send her a request.
I think it's "Hey Dreamboat" all over again but age and a body-length mirror tells me to not respond.
I do find their flimsy attempts to engage me humorous so at least now I do get something good out of
their "Dreamboating".
October 27th, 2024 update
I don't always go to The Pine for my therapy. Sometimes I go
to The Club. Until recently The Club had just wine and beer, but that was okay. They always have Old Rasputin
and all the folks working there treat me right. Every once in a while I would have a glass of Chardonnay.
I'm not very wine-adventurous, but one time I was offered a taste of a Sauvignon Blanc and I thought why not.
I found it disgusting. The "aroma" reminded me of cat piss. The server who offered me the free taste concurred
with my assessment. Ugh! Everyone has a unique set of tastebuds and experiences. They used to have a sommelier
at The Club and he thought the 'cat piss' Sauvignon Blanc was the best S.B. he had ever tasted. How can that
be? How can someone love something so disgusting? Lol. Well, I'm watching an old episode of the TV show
Elementary. Watson walks into the room where Sherlock is. She asks "What is going on in our kitchen? It smells
like cat urine in there." He explains that a number of American sommeliers had authenticated expensive cases
of Sauvignon Blanc only to find out later they had been wrong. She responds "So why does it smell like cat pee
in there?" He quips "Because some Sauvignon Blanc have that element" Bam! It was good to know I'm not the only
one who has that opinion. Obviously I'm not a fan of S.B., but if you are did you like it from your first sip
or did you develop a taste for it ?
October 13th, 2024 update
Tales from the Pine: Episodee 14 - Don't Grow Up I
don't do much social media but earlier this week online I read about a young tennis champion being
accused on X ...or one of those platforms... of acting like a five year old after she whon a tournament.
Rather than being upset by the accusation the champion embraced it. The young lady's reply was to talk
about how five year olds have a wonder and unbridled excitement about life and she hoped to keep that
type of enthusiasm going throughout her own life. That's awesome! At The Pine today I saw another
example. A street vendor, an ice cream man, was passing by The Pine. Somebody, maybe the bartender,
called out "Hey, there's the ice cream man!" Shots and chases and chilled bottles were left on the bar
while everyone went to get an ice cream sandwich, or drumstick, or Dove bar. Everyone came back inside
The Pine with an ice cream treat. We got our youthful ice cream zen going while on the jukebox
Tracy Chapman sang Give Me One Reason. Sometimes it's good to not grow up.
October 6th, 2024 update
Sometimes people ask me what I do for fun. What are
my hobbies. I tell them I like to paint and write. My writing is mostly light, slice-of-life humor. Stuff
you see here. Lots of times people will reply with "I can't even draw a stick figure." Or
"I wish I had time to write." I tell these people to not let your own critical judgement deprive you
of your interests or desires. If you enjoy something, do it. Don't let your skill
level keep you from embracing what you enjoy, what brings you happiness. My painting style
is very simple, but I love doing it. Same with my writing. I do it for the joy I get from it.
One of my favorite jokes is to tell these people that some day one of my paintings will hang in
the Louvre...I just need to sneak it in and tack it up. I paint and I write because they bring
me joy. I hope others enjoy my work, too, but I don't do these things with the intention of getting
someone else's approval. If you like writing or painting or any other form of art, that's enough of
a reason to pursue it. And I hope you do!
Sept 29th, 2024 update
If I had a girlfriend I'd want her name to be Scam Likely
because she keeps calling me. We would talk about car warranties expiring, computer viruses,
and who I'm voting for. It could become love, but given her name I have a pretty good
idea the way things would go down the line. Crash, burn! Ouch, she's calling someone else...
Sept 22nd, 2024 update
My Favorite Martian! It was on TV for just a few years when I was a kid in the '60s. I remember
the characters, but not any of the stories. On Prime today I watched an episode I really
appreciated. A family was visiting Mrs. Brown, the landlady of Martin and Tim. The dad worked as
an engineer. His young son kept talking about what the ladybug said and what the hummingbird
whispered. The dad told his son to knock off that imagination stuff. According to the dad
reality was all that mattered. Uncle Martin was very upset by the dad's lack of support for
his son and his active imagination. Through his martian powers, Martin was able to convince
the dad that imagination is a very good and important thing. I had the impression that the show was all campy
jokes and laugh tracks, but this episode had a very powerful message; life is so much
better with an imagination. Keep imagination in your life.
Sept 15th, 2024 update
The latest barrel project
Sept 8th, 2024 update
Tales From The Pine: Episode 13 - Jukebox Heroes During
the weekdays people can play whatever they want on The Box. Great White, Lanny Kravitz, even Green Day,
can be heard over the bartender's calls of "What'll it be, son?" However, on the weekends the owner employs
these two security dogs, aka Brooks and Dunn, to make sure certain musical protocols are adhere to. I don't
know how they got trained or who trained them, but their job is important. Anyone ... anyone, local or
out-of-towner, who puts a fiver or more in the jukebox must pick at least one Hank Jr. song. Of course,
at The Pine it's almost a given that people will pick Born To Boogie, All My Rowdy Friends, Superman or
some other Hank song when they drop a $5, but Brooks and Dunn are there to make sure it happens. People
get upset when they don't hear Hank every once in a while so B and D are there, as jukebox heroes, to
keep the peace.
Sept 1st, 2024 update
On my run this morning I saw quail, a banana peel, and some oranges slices so I wrote this poem about them.
QBO
A flock of quail,
They ran so well
Till they stepped on a banana peel.
Down they fell.
They went slipping and sliding,
Careening and colliding,
Till they plowed into a stack of orange wedges.
Juicy in their sudden halting.
After just a slip or two,
Away they flew,
Till they shook off the pulp.
Landing again, running anew.
Oranges, banana, and quail,
Made up this short little poetic tale,
Till they appear on another morning run.
Next time out, maybe a whale.
Tales from The Pine: Episode 12 - The Awkward Kiss.
First off, it's not about me. I'm a totally smooth kisser. Never been awkward.
With that out of the way, here goes. Two couples at The Pine. Older pair and younger pair.
Older guy orders a beer and his wife gets a white wine. Younger guy orders an espresso martini
and his wife orders an even foofier drink. The foofier drink has cinnamon embers on top. The
bartender shakes some cinnamon on to the drink while working a mini blowtorch. Some cinnamon
burns, some lands on top of the drink. Must be tasty. The young lady tries it and extols its
excellence. The bartender bows in appreciation. The older lady asks the young lady "Can I try it?"
She wants to try the young lady's cinnamon drink? That's like asking a stranger if you can try their
soup. Awkward! Then the older lady laughs and says "I'm just messing with you. I ask everyone that."
That's funny. Then the young guy wants in on the exchange. He wants to be part of the conversation.
He says to the older lady "Can I kiss your husband?" Left field. Everyone in the bar, including the young
guy, looks like they just saw a UFO. I didn't wait to see if he said "I'm just messing with you. I ask
everyone that." Fortunately for me I had already paid my bill so I left before any awkward UFO
cinnamon-flavored activities took place.
August 25th, 2024 update
A catalog of wine barrels I've painted.
August 18th, 2024 update
Tales From The Pine: Episode 11 - Gray Ghost Dog I've
been going to The Pine for a few years now. It's a fun place, but sometimes there are troublemakers.
Also, I've never seen anything, but the place has a reputation of being haunted, so much so that some
national TV shows have come by to film stuff. The Pine's owner freely admits things happen he can't explain,
even with his 23 cameras around the place. One recent example, caught on one of his cameras, is a lonely shot
glass of Gray Ghost mysteriously sliding off the bar top and then falling on the floor. It is a bit spooky.
Why would anyone order a shot of Gray Ghost? So this afternoon, I'm there, talking with the owner and having
a Miller Lite, when I hear someone to my right bark out "Gray Ghost". I hadn't seen anyone new walk in and
none of the existing patrons had stepped up to order so I was unsure where the request came from. When the
bartender started pouring the shot, I knew I hadn't imagined the order. When she finishes pouring it,
she motions with a downward nod and she asks "Marlon, can you give this to the little wiener down there?"
I hear the owner laugh, but I am confused by her ask until I looked down and see the little ghost dog.
Not knowing what else to do, I set the shot on the floor, right in front of the wiener dog. Both the Pine
owner and the bartender, along with me, watch as the ghost dog laps up the crappy vodka. As the shot
disappears, the dog fades. By the dog's last lick, the pooch has completely disappeared. I'm stunned by
what I've just seen, a ghost dog drinking a shot of vodka, but the owner just scoffs and says "If only
I could get the troublemakers to drink that stuff."
August 11th, 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 10 - California
What I like about The Pine is the diversity of knowledge, experience, and opinion people bring into
this Cash Only tornado. Here in California, elected officials can sometimes do no harm. Shocking, but true.
Thanks to them we have our state bird, our state flower, and our state pizza (topped with our state bird
and state flower. I think that's synergy). Everyone knows that already. At The Pine tonight I learned
more about California that I think can possibly improve our state pizza. Some guy stepped out of the
elevator and started talking about mushrooms. He had photos and topographical maps to share. He told the
whole bar that California had recently selected the chanterelles mushroom to rep us Golden Staters. He was
very upbeat about this development. I have never heard of the chanterelles but he said they are so good
they'd make watching This Old House exciting. I definitely like mushrooms, and olives, with my
state-approved quail and poppy blossom pizza, but it's usually diced cremini and black olives that I add.
Now that I'm educated to the state-endorsed chanterelles I'll have to try them on an upcoming pizza
and remodeling night.
August 4th, 2024 update
Inspired by the amazing 2024 Olympic Surfer photo...
July 28th, 2024 update
When I painted my garage I wanted a non-white color. I ended up chosing a very light blue. I
thought one gallon would be enough, but I needed a second gallon. I went back to the store, taking
my paint sample with me. I hadn't even bothered to look at what the color was called. I just gave the
sample to the clerk and asked for another gallon. She looks at the sample and says "Winter in Paris".
I give her a quizzical look. She says "Your paint color is called winter in Paris". So as a final touch
to the garage's new look I added the Eiffel Tower. It came out nice.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 8 - No Real Options The
Pine attracts some interesting and colorful people. It's one of the things I enjoy about it. There's a
guy I've seen there a few times. He's very talkative. I've never conversed with him but enough other
folks have told me he has a high baud rate and says some wacky things so I believe. Today, on my way
to the library, I stopped by to cool off. It was a slow afternoon, with just me and the bartender,
until talkative guy talked in. He's going already. There's an array of seating options available,
but he sat next to me. He launches. He's got things to tell me, but he also has to order some fancy
drink (not a beer or shot) from the bartender. By the time the bartender returns with his drink,
I know how the guy's parents met, where he grew up, and where he went to church as a lad. There's
so much more for him to tell me, but he first takes a sip of his beverage. Then he says to the
bartender "Wow, that is so good. It's like the first time I kissed a marsupial." Hold on!
Kissed a marsupial? I could not possibly of heard him correctly. I start thinking about what are
the alternatives to marsupial. I've got nothing. There's nothing even remotely close to marsupial
that would make sense. Now, some people say The Pine is haunted. I'm okay if it is. I'm okay if it
isn't. Today gives evidence that it is haunted and by ghosts with a morbid sense of humor because
right after Mr. Talkative confessed to smooching a marsupial the jukebox started playing that
old Australian song "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" Mr. Talkative was busy covering his wonder years and didn't
notice the connection. I was enjoying the show, but am nearly done with my beer. He pauses his
autobiography long enough to notice I'm down to my last 2 ounces. He asks if I'm just about done.
I wasn't sure until the jukebox suddenly starts into Europe's "The Final Countdown".
Maybe it's not a terrible song, but years ago I decided I never want to hear it again.
The ghosts joking sent me on my way to la bibliotheca.
Tales from The Pine: Episode 9 -What the bartender said One of the entertaining
aspects of The Pine is these guys who come in and think they are going to say something the
bartenders haven't already heard a thousand times. Some guy, he could be 22 or 62, sees a woman
behind the bar and thinks his Austin Powers charms are gonna work. I go there for a beer, but
sometimes the entertainment is a bonus. This Coors Light Guy says "Hey bartender, if I said you
have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" I'm thinking, dude the 1970s called and
they want their line back. The bartender, being much more hip than me, tells him, in a snarky
voice only women can achieve, "There's a web site for that!"
July 21st, 2024 update
Jace, the family dog.
Short Story: Biscuits
Some people look at my dog and they are appalled by his fatness. I admit he is a
happy fat dog, but he does get walked. He gets some agility training, too. But he never
ever gets 'dog food'. As long as I have lived on my own, I've had my dog, but never
have I allowed dog food in my house. Human food is all we eat. It's a health issue.
I don't go to the pet store. I don't even go down the pet food isle at the grocery store.
There's a pet food smell that permeates all of it, and I never want to experience that smell again.
Back when I was young, too young to look beyond my own adoration for my parents, they
took advantage of me in a sick, sick fashion. They look back at it and laugh. They call
it harmless fun, but I ask you to be the judge.
Back then, a fun Saturday morning for us was a trip to the local farm and feed store. My
Dad worked there and it was such a great adventure to walk in, holding his hand and Mom's
hand, too. The workers always gave us a warm welcome, waving to Dad, smiling at Mom, and
commenting on how much I'd grown since the last Saturday visit. It was the excitement of
being a young family on an adventure together.
The feed and farm store was huge, with a two-story tall ceiling. It had rows and rows of
barn supplies and animal feed. There was a smell of hay and earth throughout the place.
Up in the rafters, small groups of Chickadees cheerfully raced from beam to beam. It was
the place I learned to count up to five. Dad would start me with row one and go up to row
five, not just counting, but also explaining the stock of each row. Row one held nails
and screws; row two contained hinges and brackets. Dad said rows three and four were for
the cowboys. Three had all sizes of ropes, along with bridles and leather gloves. Row four
had saddle goods and accessories. Five had canine treats and toys.
Maybe it was my fault. Mom says I was pretending to be a dog. Don't all kids do that? She
says we were walking down row five and when I noticed all the puppies and pooches on the
boxes and bags, I got down on my hands and knees. I started barking and panting. "Oh, what
a cute puppy" she said. I barked. "I bet you're a good little puppy" she replied. As she
grabbed a chew toy off the shelf, she asked "How about a toy, puppy?" I shook my head 'no'
and barked. She grabbed another one, "How about this one?" I barked 'no' again. She paused
and looked around. "Hmmm ... how about a treat?"
Who says no to a treat? So while I was enthusiastically barking and spinning around in
anticipation of my treat, she grabbed and opened a box of Kennel Corner's Better Biscuits.
I stopped spinning when I saw she held a treat in her hand. Still playing the dog, I barked
and begged. She gave me my first, but not last, dog biscuit. It was dry and crunchy and not
at all sweet. Looking back, it really wasn't much of a treat. Mom patted me on the head,
and as Dad came around the corner and down the aisle, Mom told me to stand up, then she
closed up the box and put it back on the shelf.
For the next two years, we made many of our Saturdays special by going to Dad's workplace.
Even though Saturday was Dad's day off, he sometimes would help customers, folks that he
knew. If he went off with the customer, Mom and I would usually find our way to row five.
When I was a good puppy, I'd get a treat. It wasn't always Kennel Corner biscuits. Sometimes
it was Alpo Tasty Treats or Furminator Dog Bites. Once it was Mr. Ed's Natural Biscuits. I
actually gagged on one of those. Good thing, too, because I later found out they contained
horse parts.
I cried on the Saturday morning I found out my Dad had changed jobs and we would not be
going on our adventures anymore. Mom must have suspected my devastation because after she
dried my tears, from her apron pocket she pulled one last treat. I wanted to wolf it down
in anger, but I knew it really was my last treat so I had better savor it, just nibble
away at it. Plus, I knew very well that those biscuits were dirt-clod hard and too dry to
take in big bites.
I had completely forgotten all of this until I moved out on my own. At 23, I had just
started renting one side of a duplex. One evening after work, I was out front watering
the lawn. A stray dog, a very scruffy looking Spaniel and something mix, came trotting
down the block. I watched him as he went past tree after tree without stopping. When he
got to my driveway, he sat down right in front of me. He looked up at me and tilted his
head as if I'd just said 'hippopotamus' to him. I asked him if he was hungry. He sure looked it.
He barked and spun around in a circle. Without really thinking, I said "Oh what a cute
puppy. I bet you want a treat!"
That broke it for me. Memories of the feed and farm supply store raced into my mind.
My mouth went dog-biscuit dry and I may have let out a little yelp. In an instant, I
knew I wasn't ever going to give him or any other dog of mine a "treat". I marched into
the kitchen and from the refrigerator I grabbed an unopened package of Kraft American
Cheese Singles, a 16 pack. On my way back out the front, I went through the garage and
picked up my new lawn chair. At the driveway, I snapped it open and plopped down in it.
With a glutinous resolve, I tore open the cheese pack. My new dog, "Scotty", and I
easily made our way through that pack of 16, and we've lived happily off human food
ever since. It's a health issue, a mental health issue.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 7 - Bob Barker Reluctance
The Pine has a TV, but no fancy sports package. No NASCAR,no golf channel, no MLB. The most popular channel
on the TV is GSN, Game Show Network. We watch Cash Cab, Family Feud, and others. The best, in my opinion, is
The Price Is Right...the Barker era. Bob ran the show back then. Prizes span from a pack of spearmint
gum to a new car (say it loud, Johnny Olsen). On any given item up for bid, the wining bidder runs up on
stage and "attacks" Bob. Sometimes they grab his arm and jump up and down. Sometimes they get more personal.
Bob always handles it good naturedly. The Barker era is over, but having watched it back then and now,
I'm sure if I ever made it up on the big stage back then I'd kiss Bob ... just a peck on the cheek, of course.
We're both Italian so it would be okay. Then, when I won the Ford Pinto and the trash compactor in the
Showcase Showdown I'd ask the red headed hostess girl to go out with me for a classy dinner at the local
Sizzler. It's never too late to dream big!
July 14th 2024 update
Tales from The Pine: Episode 5 - What I Want I've read around 6-8 Stephen King books and
watched a lot of his work that have been made into movies or TV mini-series. The Stand was the first book
of his I read. It was so different and so scary from anything I'd read, I couldn't put it down. It changed
my brain. When the mini-series came out years later I really enjoyed it. Another of his TV mini-series that
I liked when it came out in '89 was Storm Of The Century. I just re-watched it on Hulu. Scowling Evil
comes to a small New England island town during a brutal snow storm. Evil shows the freezing townsfolk how
scary he can be. It's Pelosi scary! Once he has their full attention he tells them "Give me what I want and
I'll go away" Get what he wants and go. That's his motivation. We here in The Pine area are having a Heat Wave
of the Century. Triple digits during the day for the last seven days and not much cooler at night. It, too,
is brutal. But just as heat is the opposite of cold, so too is Smiling Good opposite of Scowling Evil.
Despite the oppressive heat, Smiling Good is found at The Pine. The bartenders, even in this heat (no AC at
The Pine, just dogs panting), smile and ask "What would you like?" I can't help it, I say "Give me what I want
and I'll stay" I laugh, but the bartender doesn't get it. Fortunately, I've been there before so first she
gives me a look then says "A corona and shot of Cuervo?" It's not really a question. I stay. Later on the
Karaoke Dude starts to set up. Thin Lizzy's Cowboy Song is wrapping up on the jukebox. My stay is done,
but I got what I wanted and isn't that life's goal.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 6 - A Fish
Let's say you've never been to The Pine. Maybe you are walking downtown and decide to go beyond the
comfort of the city park and the Carnegie Library (a lovely place to visit). Maybe you hear the music or
see the interesting painted wine barrels out front, but whatever called you there, you go inside. The first
thing you see is the Cash Only sign. Let's talk about that. Order anything from a simple soda to a
Long Island Iced Tea. Jeager, Jack, Fernet, and Tito are waiting. Be good to yourself and the bartender.
The rule, regardless of your choice, as prominently displayed, is Cash Only. Okay, so no plastic. You pay
with paper, but also pick a Cash song. Ring of Fire, Walk The Line, Folsom Prison Blues, and my favorite,
A Boy Named Sue. It's a Cash only bar, and that's a very good thing.
July 7th 2024 update
Tales From The Pine: Episode 1 - I Meet Rex I remember the first time
I came to The Pine, years ago. It was a busy night. Only one open stool at the
bar...and it was next to a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I thought "What the heck." and sat down next to her. Right away
I could tell she was sad. I looked up at her melancholy expression and asked "Why the long face?" She said
her dog just died ... and she ate it. Yea, I know she's a T-Rex, but I don't think we should eat our pets. Still,
I wanted to comfort and console her so I said "I'm so sorry. Would you like a hug? Can I give you a hug?"
She nods her big head yes. I decide to give her the best possible hug I can. I'm putting everything I can
into this hug, doing my best ... and all I get in return, all she does for me is scratch me behind my ears. Yea,
I know she's a T-Rex, but I was disappointed anyway. Even more disappointing,
she had the worst case of 'dog breath' ever. Phew! The good news is we are now expecting our third child.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 2 - Where'd My Songs Go
I had just put a couple bucks in the jukebox and picked some songs, then sat down to enjoy
Suds In A Bucket, Am I The Only One, and Fast As You. Just as Sara gets to singing in her lovely voice,
this nice young lady starts talking to me. Earlier in the day she had taken a final exam and was anxious
to get the results. She's going to college with the aim of going into the medical field. That's cool.
It's a good goal, but Sara's done by now. Dierks is musically asking if he's the only one who wants to have
fun, at least that's what he should be asking, but I can't really tell since the young lady is sharing more
about her world. She's interesting, but my songs... When Dwight wraps up my playlist is,
coincidentally, when her story ends. Now the only sound at the bar is the bartender asking an arrival
"What'll it be, son?" Soon the karaokedude starts setting up. The evening rolls on.
I didn't get to hear my songs, so I have a good reason to go back, plus next time I see the young lady
there, I'll ask her about her exam results ... after my songs have played.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 3- That Queen Song
I think some people go to Pine to relax and have a drink. Some people go to Pine to talk and have a drink.
I'm in the first group, but sometimes I end up next to someone in the second group. That's okay.
I can listen for a while. When this lady sat down next to me I did my silent ask "Let her be in group one"
...but she wasn't. Half way through her Corona Light I knew more about her than I could possibly remember.
She did eventually ask what do I do. I told her, then asked her what she does. She told me she is a
traveling phlebotomist. I had no idea what that was so I quickly made something up. I said
"Oh, like in that Queen song?" She looked confused so I explained. "You know...it goes like this,
Phlebotomists girls, you make the rocking world go round." Then I waited for a laugh.
All I got was a scowl and "Do you even know what a phlebotomist does?" Again, thinking quickly,
I said "Don't you play the little triangle thing in orchestras?" I guess that wasn't right because she
looked angry enough to draw blood. I decided to go with my appeasement move. I asked her if I could
play something on the jukebox for her. Her expression softened as she thought about it. I wondered
if she'd pick that Queen song. She picked a Weezer song and an Offspring one. I went over to the jukebox
and punched them in. As "Beverly Hills" starts up, I asked her "Anything else?" She laughs, finally,
and says "Okay, play that Queen song."
These are Frida-inspired barrels now in front of Justin Tasting and the Bijou clothing store.
Short Story:Guardian Angel
I'm just about convinced my Guardian Angel is an elderly lady I see most every morning.
Every morning I either go for a run or ride my bike to the nearby health club to work out.
My start time can be anywhere between 5:45am and 6:15am, but regardless of when I'm out
in the fresh air I see her. Even when I take different routes, I see her. She's always
walking on the opposite side of the street. She's always using her cane and taking small,
but not frail steps. She wears slightly tinted glasses so I can't tell for sure, but I
think she sees me. Yet she never says "Hi" and she rarely waves to me. I know, you are
probably thinking "Oh Marlon, most women treat you that way." Ha Ha, you are so funny.
They don't, okay. So why do I think she could be my G.A. A couple reasons. She acts more
like she thinks she is invisible to me, like I'm not supposed to be able to see her. She
mysteriously shows up wherever I'm running or riding. She's always close, but never intrusive.
She is there to make sure I'm on the right path. She's older than me. I know, that's a
very earthly observation but if I'm going to have a Guardian Angel, I want her to look
respectable, wise and even motherly.
I know I'm working on shakey ground here. I guess I could just go up to her and ask
her straight out, but I'm not ready for that. I'm intrigued by the possibility of having
a Guardian Angel and I'm in no hurry to determine if she's mine or not. In fact, leaving
it a mystery, a riddle, which I can continue to observe and ruminate on, makes life a bit
richer for me. And that's cool, regardless of the final truth.
Tales From The Pine: Episode 4- Barbados Tater Tots
It's karaoke night at The Pine, but before that gets rolling, people can converse without the background
noise pain. Sweet Carolina, buh buh buuah. Pre-karaoke, I talked with this lady from Barbados. It's an island.
Her kids are surfers. She and her hubby came with their kids to surf at Kelly Slater's wave pool. Good stuff.
She told me she isn't much of a wine or beer drinker. That's okay. The Pine is equipped. It even has Heineken.
So she told me she and her hubby are rum drinkers. Barbados...rum sure, that makes sense. But I wanted to
throw a crazy Captain Morgan in her direction. I asked her "Do you ever have tater tots with your rum?"
I thought that was an outrageous question. I thought I'd catch her off guard. She gasped and then said
"Only at weddings". Oh, snap. In shock, I exclaimed "Wait...What? Really?" She explained how when she
was growing up there was a politically imposed Orieda embargo throughout much of the Caribbean so tater tots
became very hard to find. She said things have become more open now, but the tots are still scarce.
People save them for the nuptials ceremony. They are so plentiful here, I felt bad for her. I wanted to
do something for her and her hubby. The Pine has all kinds of flavored drinks. I politely asked the
bartender if there were any crispy baked potato flavored liquid options. I got "You're killing me, Smalls"from her.
That's a No. Just then her husband interjected "Oh my God, there's a place at the end of the block that has
tater tots, with bacon bits and cream cheese". Perfect! I didn't even say bye to them because I was so hungry.
Two barrels I did for a friend.
